To My Ex-GF...

Just a brief story of how I was without my true love.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

To what you really mean to me...

It's been two years now since we've been apart. The loneliness may seem to subside, but there maybe some feelings still lingering inside of me. I can't describe these feelings, but it do lingers... and it's deep.

Maybe these lingering feelings are the wounds that, right now, doesn't seem to feel hurt nor happy because you went away. I just can't. Maybe you can. Can you?

I just see one solution to best know this feeling a little more. It will costs me. But its worth it. It may take it a long time before I really know what these feelings mean.

In the meantime, I want you to know how my life was without you. It's hard, but its worth living for. Living, like having my own job, continuing my career as an IT professional, and playing as an amateur in a sport called tennis. All these because you're not here beside me. Because you're not my inspiration. You're nothing but simply a short story of a lifetime... of my life.

Before, I wasn't sure how to let go of my feelings for you. Unfortunately, that was the hardest part. See, I know for sure that you are my true love. I've been saying this to you for the longest time ever. But you didn't listen to me. Is there any thing harder that letting go of your one true love? I thought it may never end. The 'love' feeling becomes painful... really painful. I can't imagine how painful it was that eventhough your my love, you left me all alone. Then I thought, what the hell, if pain is love, then I would endure this pain, this hardship, this loneliness. I would endure the true meaning of true love, that is having to experience the so called 'pain'.

I tried to set my mind that it is nothing. Just like all the things that I've done for you. If those deeds were hard, then maybe I can with this pain. It's only pain, only a different kind. I always tell myself that I still love you, just carrying another feeling called pain.

Then again, it was only easy to say than done. How would you imagine that me, as I love you, will be saying and doing things that I know will hurt you? Time passed by and I finally gave up.. everything. Hey, I am only human, you know? No hard feelings anymore. No more pain. No more happiness. No more loving. No more hatred. No inspiration. No more hardship. No more true love. Everything meant nothing but a thing to me, even love.

How sad it was, I have to let you go though I knew that it was not that easy. So finally, my heart went tired. Literally, my heart always felt like it wants to stop beating. Everytime it tries to stop, it was really painful. Like it was telling me that after all I've done, it all have to end up like this. I guess my heart was right. Then again, I don't want to feel the same way again after you left me. I don't want that to happen again. You have my word. I don't want you to hurt me again.

Remember that day when we talk about who's that 'love' in your phone that I discovered? Before you left, I hugged you tight, right? I can't say goodbye to you, so I hugged you really tight. That was for the last time. I thought.

After a while, I've recovered already. I lived on, do things I wanted to do. I stayed this way. Just before I knew it, the date was already May of 2004. We were already talking to each other thru text messages. It don't know what is my motive that moment when you went in my house, we made love again. I may have not told this to you yet, but that day was May 10 of 2004.... I was supposed to be with Stefani, my new girlfriend, because its her birthday that day. But I stayed with you. All my attention was on you during that day. Why did that happen? I thought this could be my chance to make you mine again by not withdrawing. Then, at the urge of the moment, I thought of your future. Do I think this is the right moment? Will you be happy if ever you will have a baby from me than your real love? I withdraw. I did it for you. I was desperate during that moment to have you again in any possible way. But I just can't.

I hope that for even just a deed or two that I've done for you, may you be happy and not forget that. May you find yourself your one true love, just as I found... you. Me and my girlfriend right now, we've been for more than two years now. But all that time, I can't love her just the way I loved you. I don't know why. Maybe because my heart is too afraid to let love another girl again. The happiness before, as we were together, were not the same as with her.

True love seems to come by in our lives only once in a while. I let that true love slipped away from my hands. Not because I was hurt by the same true love, but because it was really true love. No matter how we describe true love, it is everything there is. We just don't know exactly what, where, or how it is. Just as me, I have no explanation on true love or whatever it is. But I've gone through everything to have and feel that true love. In the end, it still has no explanation. It was not wasted. It does not mean nothing. For me, it was everything that I needed.


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